Time to mourn

Time to Mourn

-Jae Vel

I never truly mourned the loss of you

I kept a part of the pain inside

I used it to fuel the rage, to fuel, me

I held back tears because I didn’t want to seem weak

I held back because I had hope that you would one day return

I only let some of the pain seep through

it was reflected in my writing, my song choices and my eyes

the pain, the sadness, the void you left behind never left

I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I wanted to keep a part of you with me

Even through the pain I wanted you here

I held on so tight for so long that I lost touch with reality

So many years, so much wasted time half mourning you and half hoping

I would catch glimpses of you and my eyes would light up again

Only to be thrown into despair

A despair of my own volition

You never told me to hold on

You never said anything

You just up and left one day

And I’ve been lingering in purgatory

In a state of unbalance

Without giving myself permission to mourn

To mourn the loss of you

Of us

Of time

Of hope

Of reality

What I wanted didn’t matter

What I wanted didn’t matter

-Jae Vel

I wanted to tell you everything
I wanted to let you know all that I learned
About myself,
About you,
about life and the space within
I wanted to show you what you built up in me and then shattered
I wanted to scream, cry, and destroy
I wanted to hug, smile, and rejoice
I wanted to do so many things with you
For you and for me
I wanted to explore what you made me feel
I wanted so much that I failed to notice what you wanted
I wanted you to want the person that I am
the person I grew to be,
the person you helped shape
the person you helped me find again
I wanted you to want me, the real me
but you didn’t want to see, didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to feel
in the end, you just didn’t want me

Words

Words
By Jae Vel
Between you and me
You have been quiet lately
Showing me glimpses to satisfy the need, barely
To create, that need within me
Maybe, I no longer need you and I am healed?
Tell that to the recurrent dreams or, shall I call them nightmares?
Where your voice reverberates within me, disturbing the peace
No, you have never been silent, just dormant waiting for the opportunity to pounce
To sabotage my well-being, to silence my laughter
You have been waiting in silence for the right moment
Flickering in and out of my daydreams waiting to get a reaction
Well, are you now content?
Here it is, I hear you, I see you, loud and clear
Message received, you never left
You will hound me till my last breath
You: the words bouncing around my mind
You will forever be my companion

Bleeding for you…

Say the word and I will come running, tell me what I have been longing to hear.

If you feel what I feel how can you withstand this silence; the time apart.

 

I had looked into your eyes and thought I saw you heart beating widly for me,

it must have been my own reflection I saw,

for if you loved so deeply as I , My heart would not be bleeding

 

oh,

the pain shall fade….

not today…

 

Today, I writhe in despair,  your silence screaming the truth to my heart,

oh,

foolish heart you should have listened to me,

for your foolishness you have paid dearly,

ripped apart, barely beating, life clinging by a mere thread,

heart of mine you will continue to pay until one day

the thought of him is naught but a memory of your weakness,

bleed now

let it all out

the weakness will be the backbone,

the foundation to build upon once again

and any words he may say will cease to have power over you,

until then

just bleed,

let it all out…

 

 

Tailspin (J.Vel)

Tailspin (J.Vel, 4/8/15)

 

You and I

Him and Her

Them and Us

You and Her

Him and I

 

More than one and never the same

One, a complicated truth;

A painful reality

One, an unfulfilled destiny;

An anticipated dream

One, a reason to breathe;

A reason to smile

One, a heartbreaking truth;

One, an evolving lie;

A multitude of unattainable reveries

 

Him and I

You and Her

Them and Us

Him and Her

You and I