Time to mourn

Time to Mourn

-Jae Vel

I never truly mourned the loss of you

I kept a part of the pain inside

I used it to fuel the rage, to fuel, me

I held back tears because I didn’t want to seem weak

I held back because I had hope that you would one day return

I only let some of the pain seep through

it was reflected in my writing, my song choices and my eyes

the pain, the sadness, the void you left behind never left

I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I wanted to keep a part of you with me

Even through the pain I wanted you here

I held on so tight for so long that I lost touch with reality

So many years, so much wasted time half mourning you and half hoping

I would catch glimpses of you and my eyes would light up again

Only to be thrown into despair

A despair of my own volition

You never told me to hold on

You never said anything

You just up and left one day

And I’ve been lingering in purgatory

In a state of unbalance

Without giving myself permission to mourn

To mourn the loss of you

Of us

Of time

Of hope

Of reality

I’m adding time to each day by eating dessert first…

Happy New Year, I have been on a writing hiatus and spent most of my days circling back to the subject of time.

 

Ever feel like there is never enough time in a day? That’s the story of my life, between work, family, friends, reading , writing, my daughter’s extracurricular activities and more, I have nothing left. That’s why I have decided to add time to each day. Yes,  I will create time, I seem to find time to create excuses, time to stare off into nothingness, then I should find time to create time. No, I have not lost my mind, though some days I feel I have gotten pretty close, I can still function in society.

I have found a way that works for me.

So, how will I create time?

I can’t sleep any less, yet,  I can’t seem to have enough time to finish my daily tasks I give myself. I either create more time in the day or decrease my tasks? I work a typical day 8am-430pm, Monday-Friday, in where ironically enough I speak to my clients about finding time for themselves. Time to exercise, time to eat, time to come see me. Yet, I cannot find the necessary time to do what I love.

I have tried different ways to rearrange my schedule and prioritize my days, because I’m the type of person that wants to use as much time as possible in a day, even if it means losing sleep. I can’t think after doing so much in a day let alone form coherent written thoughts. For years I overworked my mind, my emotions and my body until finally my body decided to fight back, or more like quit. I spent months unable to move without  fatigue plaguing my body and making me quit the things I loved the most. I spent months away from work because I could not function to capacity. I had to take time to heal, recoup, regenerate, and it all circled back to that dreaded word, Time.

I am learning to make the most out of my days, but not because I am accomplishing everything on my to do list on a daily basis. I have decided to create time by choosing what is most important to my mind, body and soul each day. Now, I’m pretty much back to my normal energy levels, tanks are refueled, batteries are fully charged. Some days, writing takes a back seat to my daughter and husband, and I realized that it is OK to not do everything. I’m only human and I choose to do what makes me happiest daily. Some days I choose writing over my family, work over writing, reading over work, etc., etc., but as long as I’m fulfilled, time does not seem as important. Doing what truly makes me happy, even if it changes daily, makes me feel like I’m adding time in the long run, I’m adding time to my life.

Life is too short to worry about time, time is not only measured by hours in a day. Time is measured by how you spent that day.

Life=time, time=Life.

Let’s add time to our life by having dessert before dinner.

It’s Time (Jae Vel)

Because of you,

I forgot who I was,

and now,

because of me,

I will forget you.

 

I can’t be anything but me,

you can’t be anything but you.

Too much hurt has happened to go back,

Too much of everything has occured to reverse the pain.

 

You cause me so much pain, I cause you guilt…

let’s move on and let it be,

You and I will never be free

 

in this lifetime or even the next,

you will always be my biggest regret and

my greatest heartache…

 

The Eradication of You

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/0f6/74980076/files/2015/01/img_6013-0.jpg

The Eradication of You

Countless times I have said I would never change my history
But days like today, I wish to be at liberty
Be free of you and free of this agony

If I could turn back the hands of time
I would delete you from my life
Choose the path without your voice,
Without your face,
without your penetrating gaze

I would return to that day our eyes first met
Strike you from my memory,
Hit reset

I would obliterate every memory you and I made
Each caress, kiss, glance and all the words we said

Every moment I spent awake thinking of you and
Dreams I spent with you dancing in my mind
All gone, a simple delete
and I would be at peace

I long for that less complicated option of my existence
Without you in it,
Not even a hint

You broke me and I cannot piece back all the shards of my heart
Shattered by your silence
By the absence of your touch

Yes, I would erase you
And feel no more… pain,
I would lose the perfect moments; just to forget you

And if one day, you read my verses
I want you to feel that torment
To be unable to reach out to me,
remember me and wonder what could have been

—(J.Vel 1/5/15)

The Storm Within

The Storm Within (J.Vel)

The sea is alive and creating a tomb for some
Crashing against the door
Wave after wave beating it down
Flooding the floor
Water rushing thru the cracks of the floor boards
The once stable house, trembles from the force
Crack!
Wood flying in every direction
The deluge has penetrated the inner sanctum of this once statuesque home
In its wake destroying the false united front
The walls once filled with fake smiles and glee
Now barren, cracking from the turbulent storm
The sound of forced laughter no longer echoing in the halls
Blasted from every angle, the sea destroyed all in its wake
Walls crashing down, door frames half remain
A continuous echo of horrifying screams and shouts of despairs can still be heard
Even after the torrential storm
As the life beings to fade away,
the light seeping out of two of the three occupants
debris covers the once stable home
Amidst the chaos a lone survivor,
A witness to all the devastation
A forgotten soul locked away in a secret passage way
She sees the damage, she feels the pain like a sharp knife lodged in her heart
Unable to scream, mouth open wide
No sound is forthcoming
She tries to run, her feet are glued to the last remanants of the once fierce home
Dread fills her soul as she glimpses the corpses of her family
a storm had been brewing for so long
until it reached epic proportions
destroying everything it touched
the laughter, smiles
gentle touches
the love gone before the eye of the storm struck
in the midst of it all a lone survivor
a part wishing she had gone to sleep as well
another filled with hope
no longer a burden
no longer hidden from the light
she was free to decide
terrified of the world
she took her first steps
following her heart
ignoring the agonizing truth
she was alone
the house no longer her foundation
no longer a spectator to pain

a spectator to abuse
no longer a punching bag herself
on shaky legs she left her hell on earth
on a journey to recover from the storm within