9/25/14

I was broken when you found me. Pieces of my heart I thought never able to mend are slowly coming together, day by day, month to month, year to year. A slow healing process, I know. I’m not fully healed, I still have twinges of pain

But looking at you and thinking of all we have shared together helps me move in the right direction

I’m in my rightful place walking along this life by your side,

At times, you have unknowingly become my guide, I rely on your love, your strength and most of all 

your faith in us ( excerpt from “Because of you”  by Jae Vel) 

I should be all out of words…

I should be all out of words

by Jae Vel

I should be all out of words by now

I have exhausted so many on my journey

I used the words to cleanse, to heal

I thought the store would deplete

yet,  the words continue to sprint across my mind

some days my fingers can capture the racing words on time

grabbing on with clenched fists as some words fight to hide

while others beg to be set free

round and round from the light of day to the dark of night

I spent so many years of regurgitating the never ending refrain of words that revolve around you

At times losing the true story, the hidden messages to myself within each spilled line

Yes,

I should be all out of words by now…

Edge of Oblivion

Edge of Oblivion

-Jae Vel

 

On the edge of oblivion,

 

Her heart pauses when she needs to react

The beckoning darkness a constant jest

 

edge of oblivion…

 

Hanging on to life,

oh, that smile

 

On the edge of oblivion she teeters

Inundated with memories and fears

 

power she can give,

or take away

which is it today?
no, she is not “okay”

sorry, not sorry, which is it today?

 

drowning in words,

but aren’t words only words?

 

the edge of oblivion nears

and silence is all she hears

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dream vs Reality (Jae Vel)

You came to me in a dream,

You pulled away as I reached out to you

You were shaking your head slowly as you spoke

 

As I looked upon your face, you were smiling,

your  eyes shimmering as before

You took my hand, looked me in the eyes

and said the words I wanted to hear

with each syllable,

a piece of the sorrow that surrounded the heart of me, dissipated

 

I prayed to never wake from the dream, and on and on it went

each word you spoke, every scene, unfolding piece by piece

until the final resolution

I woke up in peace, as if the final chapter had ended; the story over

 

The suffering and pain of the many years of silent torment disappeared in that dream

The door finally had closed, but,

I closed it!

Not you!

You were never here, never said the words I was longing to hear

My consciousness fed me the lines through your lips that I had conjured, using the sound of your voice that I had not forgotten, to help me along my journey

I guided myself, to this point of complete peace,

If I see you again, let it be in a dream,

for it is there that we could finally speak our truths…

 

~Jae Vel

It’s Time (Jae Vel)

Because of you,

I forgot who I was,

and now,

because of me,

I will forget you.

 

I can’t be anything but me,

you can’t be anything but you.

Too much hurt has happened to go back,

Too much of everything has occured to reverse the pain.

 

You cause me so much pain, I cause you guilt…

let’s move on and let it be,

You and I will never be free

 

in this lifetime or even the next,

you will always be my biggest regret and

my greatest heartache…

 

Bleeding for you…

Say the word and I will come running, tell me what I have been longing to hear.

If you feel what I feel how can you withstand this silence; the time apart.

 

I had looked into your eyes and thought I saw you heart beating widly for me,

it must have been my own reflection I saw,

for if you loved so deeply as I , My heart would not be bleeding

 

oh,

the pain shall fade….

not today…

 

Today, I writhe in despair,  your silence screaming the truth to my heart,

oh,

foolish heart you should have listened to me,

for your foolishness you have paid dearly,

ripped apart, barely beating, life clinging by a mere thread,

heart of mine you will continue to pay until one day

the thought of him is naught but a memory of your weakness,

bleed now

let it all out

the weakness will be the backbone,

the foundation to build upon once again

and any words he may say will cease to have power over you,

until then

just bleed,

let it all out…

 

 

Life

 

Fighting to get to the very essence,

Down to the core, the nitty-gritty of self

Almost drowning in the process,

Barely breaking the surface on the daily

Truth to self or be naught but a story to tell

With line revisions in the margins

Searching for the heart of the story

The body of life frozen in plot mode

Unable to hit the climax and hurdle over the conflict

and land firmly into the conclusion

 

–J. Vel