How is worth measured?

How Is Worth Measured? By: Jae Vel

 

Parts of me float, gravitating toward an existence long gone

Where I question my sanity and my worth.

But,

How is worth measured?

Through torrents of tears that have stained my cheeks?

Through the labor of my physical body as it took on the lashes of life?

 

How is… worth… measured?

Through the actions of my mind?

The kindness in my heart?

The pain that’s lived inside of me?

 

Is it measured from overcoming obstacles that had me running circles in the dark?

Or

Through a body so empty of emotion that self-destruction was the only way to feel?

 

Tell me, how does one measure worth?

 

Through the triumphs or the failures each step of the way?

Maybe through the hand that grasped the light and let it warm the soul?

Through a body terrified of touch that a wisp of a feather had the power to shatter a mind?

Through the healing and growth that gave way to the broken being renewed?

 

How is worth measured in your eyes?

 

By the hand that now reaches out seeking touch; a physical touch that once froze an entire being in stillness-afraid of the backlash, the ridicule and memories of unwanted advances?

Tell me now…

How is WORTH measured?

My story, the lessons I’ve learned, the message I bring forth, the pieces reconnecting in my mind

Knowing worth was always there hidden waiting for me to discover

I am not broken but whole

I am not caged but free

I am worthy!

You took from me

You took from me

By Jae Vel


You took from me 

Over and over 

You took from me 

You took years

You took my smile for a while 

You took my trust

You took my peace 

You took from me 

Over and over 

You took from me

You took my balance 

You took part of my sanity

You took my voice for so long 

You took a part of me 

 

You took from me

You never said why

You kept taking 

You never asked

You took from me 

Over and over 

You took my control 

You took my sense of self 

You took what I didn’t want to give 

You took my security 

You took from me

Over and over

You took from me

You took my choice 

You took my childhood dream

You took off my rose colored glasses

You took so much 

But you didn’t take my hope

You didn’t take my strength

You didn’t take my will

You didn’t take it all 

You took from me

Over and over 

You took from me

You took 

You almost broke me completely 

But you didn’t take all of me 

You didn’t take away my fight

You didn’t take my mind

You tried to take it all

But you didn’t succeed 

You took 

I survived 

You took 

I never gave 

You took

I forgave 

I found my voice

I found my smile 

You tried to take it all

You failed

I survived 

I rose again 

 

Time to mourn

Time to Mourn

-Jae Vel

I never truly mourned the loss of you

I kept a part of the pain inside

I used it to fuel the rage, to fuel, me

I held back tears because I didn’t want to seem weak

I held back because I had hope that you would one day return

I only let some of the pain seep through

it was reflected in my writing, my song choices and my eyes

the pain, the sadness, the void you left behind never left

I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I wanted to keep a part of you with me

Even through the pain I wanted you here

I held on so tight for so long that I lost touch with reality

So many years, so much wasted time half mourning you and half hoping

I would catch glimpses of you and my eyes would light up again

Only to be thrown into despair

A despair of my own volition

You never told me to hold on

You never said anything

You just up and left one day

And I’ve been lingering in purgatory

In a state of unbalance

Without giving myself permission to mourn

To mourn the loss of you

Of us

Of time

Of hope

Of reality

What I wanted didn’t matter

What I wanted didn’t matter

-Jae Vel

I wanted to tell you everything
I wanted to let you know all that I learned
About myself,
About you,
about life and the space within
I wanted to show you what you built up in me and then shattered
I wanted to scream, cry, and destroy
I wanted to hug, smile, and rejoice
I wanted to do so many things with you
For you and for me
I wanted to explore what you made me feel
I wanted so much that I failed to notice what you wanted
I wanted you to want the person that I am
the person I grew to be,
the person you helped shape
the person you helped me find again
I wanted you to want me, the real me
but you didn’t want to see, didn’t want to hear, didn’t want to feel
in the end, you just didn’t want me

A loudness in my mind (Jae Vel)

A loudness in my mind (Jae Vel)

A loudness in my mind,

A restlessness at my core,

tangled lines, low key vibe

need a pick me up!

come on by,
knock on my door
come on up, fly high
let the storm take over,

 

untangle the disarray in my soul,

quiet the blaring static of my mind,

elevate my vibes,

soothe the restlessness,

come on by,
Knock on my door
come on up, fly high,
let the storm take over!

Loudness in my mind!

Restlessness at my core!

Disarray of my soul!

Tangled lines,
Disrupted vibes!

Unhinged!

Touch me,

 the storm roars,

 the little death shall claim me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words

Words
By Jae Vel
Between you and me
You have been quiet lately
Showing me glimpses to satisfy the need, barely
To create, that need within me
Maybe, I no longer need you and I am healed?
Tell that to the recurrent dreams or, shall I call them nightmares?
Where your voice reverberates within me, disturbing the peace
No, you have never been silent, just dormant waiting for the opportunity to pounce
To sabotage my well-being, to silence my laughter
You have been waiting in silence for the right moment
Flickering in and out of my daydreams waiting to get a reaction
Well, are you now content?
Here it is, I hear you, I see you, loud and clear
Message received, you never left
You will hound me till my last breath
You: the words bouncing around my mind
You will forever be my companion

9/25/14

I was broken when you found me. Pieces of my heart I thought never able to mend are slowly coming together, day by day, month to month, year to year. A slow healing process, I know. I’m not fully healed, I still have twinges of pain

But looking at you and thinking of all we have shared together helps me move in the right direction

I’m in my rightful place walking along this life by your side,

At times, you have unknowingly become my guide, I rely on your love, your strength and most of all 

your faith in us ( excerpt from “Because of you”  by Jae Vel) 

I should be all out of words…

I should be all out of words

by Jae Vel

I should be all out of words by now

I have exhausted so many on my journey

I used the words to cleanse, to heal

I thought the store would deplete

yet,  the words continue to sprint across my mind

some days my fingers can capture the racing words on time

grabbing on with clenched fists as some words fight to hide

while others beg to be set free

round and round from the light of day to the dark of night

I spent so many years of regurgitating the never ending refrain of words that revolve around you

At times losing the true story, the hidden messages to myself within each spilled line

Yes,

I should be all out of words by now…

Edge of Oblivion

Edge of Oblivion

-Jae Vel

 

On the edge of oblivion,

 

Her heart pauses when she needs to react

The beckoning darkness a constant jest

 

edge of oblivion…

 

Hanging on to life,

oh, that smile

 

On the edge of oblivion she teeters

Inundated with memories and fears

 

power she can give,

or take away

which is it today?
no, she is not “okay”

sorry, not sorry, which is it today?

 

drowning in words,

but aren’t words only words?

 

the edge of oblivion nears

and silence is all she hears