Time to mourn

Time to Mourn

-Jae Vel

I never truly mourned the loss of you

I kept a part of the pain inside

I used it to fuel the rage, to fuel, me

I held back tears because I didn’t want to seem weak

I held back because I had hope that you would one day return

I only let some of the pain seep through

it was reflected in my writing, my song choices and my eyes

the pain, the sadness, the void you left behind never left

I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I wanted to keep a part of you with me

Even through the pain I wanted you here

I held on so tight for so long that I lost touch with reality

So many years, so much wasted time half mourning you and half hoping

I would catch glimpses of you and my eyes would light up again

Only to be thrown into despair

A despair of my own volition

You never told me to hold on

You never said anything

You just up and left one day

And I’ve been lingering in purgatory

In a state of unbalance

Without giving myself permission to mourn

To mourn the loss of you

Of us

Of time

Of hope

Of reality

Will You?

Will you?

If I fall,

Will you catch me?
Or
Watch as I hit the ground?

If I fall before you reach me,
Will you help me pick up the pieces?

If I lose myself in you,
Will you find me?
Will you extract the core of me and make me whole again?

I am not saying I have fallen ,
I am not saying I am completely lost,
I admit only to losing myself in the essence that is you

Under your spell, bit by bit; I am falling
I am trying to break the surface;
I cannot, will not, drown in you

I am losing myself in your hypnotizing gaze
Stuck in the void, losing my breath

If I lose, and give in to the need
Will you search for me?
And give me the kiss of life?

Will we both win?
Or
Will I lose you and never be whole again?

—(J.Vel) 1/5/15

Excerpt from Ramblings of a Broken Soul (J.Vel)

I want to rip you out!

I want you to feel yourself being torn apart
I want you to feel some of this agony

Maybe that would make it more bearable

But you don’t care!

You see me,
I know you do
But you don’t look deep enough
You can’t see the torment within
You don’t care to look

To you I am a chapter already written and discarded
A rough draft, no longer wanted
And yet I wait for that time and place

A time and place
where you care