9/25/14

I was broken when you found me. Pieces of my heart I thought never able to mend are slowly coming together, day by day, month to month, year to year. A slow healing process, I know. I’m not fully healed, I still have twinges of pain

But looking at you and thinking of all we have shared together helps me move in the right direction

I’m in my rightful place walking along this life by your side,

At times, you have unknowingly become my guide, I rely on your love, your strength and most of all 

your faith in us ( excerpt from “Because of you”  by Jae Vel) 

I should be all out of words…

I should be all out of words

by Jae Vel

I should be all out of words by now

I have exhausted so many on my journey

I used the words to cleanse, to heal

I thought the store would deplete

yet,  the words continue to sprint across my mind

some days my fingers can capture the racing words on time

grabbing on with clenched fists as some words fight to hide

while others beg to be set free

round and round from the light of day to the dark of night

I spent so many years of regurgitating the never ending refrain of words that revolve around you

At times losing the true story, the hidden messages to myself within each spilled line

Yes,

I should be all out of words by now…

I’m adding time to each day by eating dessert first…

Happy New Year, I have been on a writing hiatus and spent most of my days circling back to the subject of time.

 

Ever feel like there is never enough time in a day? That’s the story of my life, between work, family, friends, reading , writing, my daughter’s extracurricular activities and more, I have nothing left. That’s why I have decided to add time to each day. Yes,  I will create time, I seem to find time to create excuses, time to stare off into nothingness, then I should find time to create time. No, I have not lost my mind, though some days I feel I have gotten pretty close, I can still function in society.

I have found a way that works for me.

So, how will I create time?

I can’t sleep any less, yet,  I can’t seem to have enough time to finish my daily tasks I give myself. I either create more time in the day or decrease my tasks? I work a typical day 8am-430pm, Monday-Friday, in where ironically enough I speak to my clients about finding time for themselves. Time to exercise, time to eat, time to come see me. Yet, I cannot find the necessary time to do what I love.

I have tried different ways to rearrange my schedule and prioritize my days, because I’m the type of person that wants to use as much time as possible in a day, even if it means losing sleep. I can’t think after doing so much in a day let alone form coherent written thoughts. For years I overworked my mind, my emotions and my body until finally my body decided to fight back, or more like quit. I spent months unable to move without  fatigue plaguing my body and making me quit the things I loved the most. I spent months away from work because I could not function to capacity. I had to take time to heal, recoup, regenerate, and it all circled back to that dreaded word, Time.

I am learning to make the most out of my days, but not because I am accomplishing everything on my to do list on a daily basis. I have decided to create time by choosing what is most important to my mind, body and soul each day. Now, I’m pretty much back to my normal energy levels, tanks are refueled, batteries are fully charged. Some days, writing takes a back seat to my daughter and husband, and I realized that it is OK to not do everything. I’m only human and I choose to do what makes me happiest daily. Some days I choose writing over my family, work over writing, reading over work, etc., etc., but as long as I’m fulfilled, time does not seem as important. Doing what truly makes me happy, even if it changes daily, makes me feel like I’m adding time in the long run, I’m adding time to my life.

Life is too short to worry about time, time is not only measured by hours in a day. Time is measured by how you spent that day.

Life=time, time=Life.

Let’s add time to our life by having dessert before dinner.

Life

 

Fighting to get to the very essence,

Down to the core, the nitty-gritty of self

Almost drowning in the process,

Barely breaking the surface on the daily

Truth to self or be naught but a story to tell

With line revisions in the margins

Searching for the heart of the story

The body of life frozen in plot mode

Unable to hit the climax and hurdle over the conflict

and land firmly into the conclusion

 

–J. Vel

 

 

Reflections on the Page

Reflections on the Page (J.Vel)

 

It’s vital, to put pen to paper

for the depths to be whole again,

each word a fugitive from within,

Vacating the need; a slow taper

Of the regrets therein

 

A catharsis of the mind,

Leaving behind an echoing silence

Instructing one self

To move on from yesterday and live lavishly,

a life without misgivings;

’tis only a short chapter we have on this terrain

 

Alas I,

Shattered in the silence, now a broken bulb

And at the rate I am moving,

I can no longer withstand

Each step forward, bringing you back

Futile was the attempted purge of you,

for all that remains is the growing necessity

 

You,

The air to my lungs,

The beating of my heart,

The broken one,

the unattainable,

untouchable destroyer of reveries;

Shall ever be…

 

My perpetual regret

 

J.Vel

2/16/15

Silly memories

2015/01/img_6243.jpg

Silly memories (J.Vel, 1/26/15)

How can one feel so hollow inside and be filled with so much love, sadness and memories
As I sit here in the aftermath of your death, so many thoughts cross my mind
I feel I have no right to mourn you, at least, not as deeply as the rest of my family
I wasn’t there, I didn’t see the light slowly seep from your being on the daily
I wasn’t there physically but each call and each mention of you being ill, I was with you mentally, spiritually
I would pray, maybe selfishly, because I prayed you would not leave my mother’s side
I prayed because I knew my mom would be in so much pain when you left
I prayed that you would be here longer until my mom was ready to let go
And you stayed with us, even though I could see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, as she saw how the years had taken its toll on your body
Your frail body, that I saw yesterday, in your peaceful slumber from which you would no longer awaken,
I came to see you, but again mostly for my mom, and partly to see with my own eyes that your were gone
I needed to be there for my mom, to be her rock
I think what makes me feel so hollow, is that I never forgave you
Perhaps you never knew why I was never there
Perhaps you did,
Perhaps you felt my prayers each time you were ill
Perhaps, it is beyond time I forgave you for all the pain and heartache you caused my mom
Perhaps, you can forgive me for not letting you know I loved you, despite the heartaches
I wasn’t there, these past few years, I realized yesterday just how many years that was
Looking at pictures and finding a scarce supply of us in pictures together,
And I can’t seem to find a picture of you and my munchkin
No I wasn’t there, but I want to thank you
Those scarce photos, those few memories we shared
I will treasure and hold onto dearly
Thanks to you, I look at an elephants and think of you
Thanks to you, I remember the exact moment I began watching “novelas”
So many “silly” memories, that don’t feel like nearly enough
Most of all thank you for making my munchkin smile, for giving her a “silly” memory
A memory that she shared with me last night,
one that opened the tightly closed door of my happy memories of you
Is it in death that we finally see the truth?
You loved me, I’m sure you did, in your own way
And you showed me in how you were with my daughter, in those scarce moments,
And in the “silly” memories we made

J.Vel
Rest in peace my dear grandma(abuela)

My Love For You

My Love For You

this world has not created words that are sufficient to describe my love for you
Neither dictionary nor google can help me find a combination of such words that can aspire to be enough
eloquently stringing together a myriad of words that by definition signify love, is not tough
choosing words that rhyme or flow with a melodious rhythm, may prove not so difficult, it’s true

I will elect letters to form words that mere mortals use to explain this phenomena of emotions
But I have not been granted the use of words from beyond this earth
I hope that these simple lines strung together can explictly show my devotion
and leave you with little doubt as to how grandiose is my love for you

I love you more today than yesterday and more still until the day I find the lyrics that adequately express my love
I shall skulk every edge and in between of this world to locate, learn, or even invent the verses needed to iluminate your soul

—J.Vel