Time to mourn

Time to Mourn

-Jae Vel

I never truly mourned the loss of you

I kept a part of the pain inside

I used it to fuel the rage, to fuel, me

I held back tears because I didn’t want to seem weak

I held back because I had hope that you would one day return

I only let some of the pain seep through

it was reflected in my writing, my song choices and my eyes

the pain, the sadness, the void you left behind never left

I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I wanted to keep a part of you with me

Even through the pain I wanted you here

I held on so tight for so long that I lost touch with reality

So many years, so much wasted time half mourning you and half hoping

I would catch glimpses of you and my eyes would light up again

Only to be thrown into despair

A despair of my own volition

You never told me to hold on

You never said anything

You just up and left one day

And I’ve been lingering in purgatory

In a state of unbalance

Without giving myself permission to mourn

To mourn the loss of you

Of us

Of time

Of hope

Of reality

It’s Time (Jae Vel)

Because of you,

I forgot who I was,

and now,

because of me,

I will forget you.

 

I can’t be anything but me,

you can’t be anything but you.

Too much hurt has happened to go back,

Too much of everything has occured to reverse the pain.

 

You cause me so much pain, I cause you guilt…

let’s move on and let it be,

You and I will never be free

 

in this lifetime or even the next,

you will always be my biggest regret and

my greatest heartache…

 

Bleeding for you…

Say the word and I will come running, tell me what I have been longing to hear.

If you feel what I feel how can you withstand this silence; the time apart.

 

I had looked into your eyes and thought I saw you heart beating widly for me,

it must have been my own reflection I saw,

for if you loved so deeply as I , My heart would not be bleeding

 

oh,

the pain shall fade….

not today…

 

Today, I writhe in despair,  your silence screaming the truth to my heart,

oh,

foolish heart you should have listened to me,

for your foolishness you have paid dearly,

ripped apart, barely beating, life clinging by a mere thread,

heart of mine you will continue to pay until one day

the thought of him is naught but a memory of your weakness,

bleed now

let it all out

the weakness will be the backbone,

the foundation to build upon once again

and any words he may say will cease to have power over you,

until then

just bleed,

let it all out…

 

 

Tailspin (J.Vel)

Tailspin (J.Vel, 4/8/15)

 

You and I

Him and Her

Them and Us

You and Her

Him and I

 

More than one and never the same

One, a complicated truth;

A painful reality

One, an unfulfilled destiny;

An anticipated dream

One, a reason to breathe;

A reason to smile

One, a heartbreaking truth;

One, an evolving lie;

A multitude of unattainable reveries

 

Him and I

You and Her

Them and Us

Him and Her

You and I

 

Broken (J.Vel)

Broken  by J.Vel

Shattered glass

on the ground

Shards scattered

As her heart lay,

next to her

Slowly beating,

Slowly bleeding out;

Cleansing her heart

Of the pain

 

Floating above herself

Steadily gliding throughout

Watching the pulse decrease

Hoping the pain will disappear

The turmoil building inside;

The ache

 

Aching, craving

to hold him near again,

he tore her heart out

without a care,

never looked back;

never saw her slowly wither away…

I Killed a Man (J.Vel)

As I lay on my death bed I must confess; I killed a man today. Shot him thru the heart on this day of confessions. Though my intentions were only to free my soul of the anguish before I left this world; I killed a man instead. My words bursting with agony and with each one uttered, a piece of his heart fell apart until all that was left was a hole. A gaping hole in his chest where a heart beat happily just days before. I killed a man today and didn’t even know it until I let go of all the pain inside of me. The words poured out of my mouth quick and unrehearsed ; my brain unable to catch them all before they committed the crime. I killed a man today and yet he still walks the earth as I breathe the last breath of this life…