Silly memories

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Silly memories (J.Vel, 1/26/15)

How can one feel so hollow inside and be filled with so much love, sadness and memories
As I sit here in the aftermath of your death, so many thoughts cross my mind
I feel I have no right to mourn you, at least, not as deeply as the rest of my family
I wasn’t there, I didn’t see the light slowly seep from your being on the daily
I wasn’t there physically but each call and each mention of you being ill, I was with you mentally, spiritually
I would pray, maybe selfishly, because I prayed you would not leave my mother’s side
I prayed because I knew my mom would be in so much pain when you left
I prayed that you would be here longer until my mom was ready to let go
And you stayed with us, even though I could see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, as she saw how the years had taken its toll on your body
Your frail body, that I saw yesterday, in your peaceful slumber from which you would no longer awaken,
I came to see you, but again mostly for my mom, and partly to see with my own eyes that your were gone
I needed to be there for my mom, to be her rock
I think what makes me feel so hollow, is that I never forgave you
Perhaps you never knew why I was never there
Perhaps you did,
Perhaps you felt my prayers each time you were ill
Perhaps, it is beyond time I forgave you for all the pain and heartache you caused my mom
Perhaps, you can forgive me for not letting you know I loved you, despite the heartaches
I wasn’t there, these past few years, I realized yesterday just how many years that was
Looking at pictures and finding a scarce supply of us in pictures together,
And I can’t seem to find a picture of you and my munchkin
No I wasn’t there, but I want to thank you
Those scarce photos, those few memories we shared
I will treasure and hold onto dearly
Thanks to you, I look at an elephants and think of you
Thanks to you, I remember the exact moment I began watching “novelas”
So many “silly” memories, that don’t feel like nearly enough
Most of all thank you for making my munchkin smile, for giving her a “silly” memory
A memory that she shared with me last night,
one that opened the tightly closed door of my happy memories of you
Is it in death that we finally see the truth?
You loved me, I’m sure you did, in your own way
And you showed me in how you were with my daughter, in those scarce moments,
And in the “silly” memories we made

J.Vel
Rest in peace my dear grandma(abuela)

My Love For You

My Love For You

this world has not created words that are sufficient to describe my love for you
Neither dictionary nor google can help me find a combination of such words that can aspire to be enough
eloquently stringing together a myriad of words that by definition signify love, is not tough
choosing words that rhyme or flow with a melodious rhythm, may prove not so difficult, it’s true

I will elect letters to form words that mere mortals use to explain this phenomena of emotions
But I have not been granted the use of words from beyond this earth
I hope that these simple lines strung together can explictly show my devotion
and leave you with little doubt as to how grandiose is my love for you

I love you more today than yesterday and more still until the day I find the lyrics that adequately express my love
I shall skulk every edge and in between of this world to locate, learn, or even invent the verses needed to iluminate your soul

—J.Vel

You

The scale is no longer balanced,

thoughts of you overpowered the calm

In the serene silence, I heard your voice again

With eyes shut, ears sealed

your voice still penetrated my composed world;

your face invaded my sight

You, rumbling in my heart and soul

your voice echoing throughout my being

Oh, how I missed the sweet nothings you whispered in my ears

I once again have you near,

at night you are mine

in my dreams; our love is still alive

—J. Vel ( 12/16/14)

 

 

I Killed a Man (J.Vel)

As I lay on my death bed I must confess; I killed a man today. Shot him thru the heart on this day of confessions. Though my intentions were only to free my soul of the anguish before I left this world; I killed a man instead. My words bursting with agony and with each one uttered, a piece of his heart fell apart until all that was left was a hole. A gaping hole in his chest where a heart beat happily just days before. I killed a man today and didn’t even know it until I let go of all the pain inside of me. The words poured out of my mouth quick and unrehearsed ; my brain unable to catch them all before they committed the crime. I killed a man today and yet he still walks the earth as I breathe the last breath of this life…