I’m adding time to each day by eating dessert first…

Happy New Year, I have been on a writing hiatus and spent most of my days circling back to the subject of time.

 

Ever feel like there is never enough time in a day? That’s the story of my life, between work, family, friends, reading , writing, my daughter’s extracurricular activities and more, I have nothing left. That’s why I have decided to add time to each day. Yes,  I will create time, I seem to find time to create excuses, time to stare off into nothingness, then I should find time to create time. No, I have not lost my mind, though some days I feel I have gotten pretty close, I can still function in society.

I have found a way that works for me.

So, how will I create time?

I can’t sleep any less, yet,  I can’t seem to have enough time to finish my daily tasks I give myself. I either create more time in the day or decrease my tasks? I work a typical day 8am-430pm, Monday-Friday, in where ironically enough I speak to my clients about finding time for themselves. Time to exercise, time to eat, time to come see me. Yet, I cannot find the necessary time to do what I love.

I have tried different ways to rearrange my schedule and prioritize my days, because I’m the type of person that wants to use as much time as possible in a day, even if it means losing sleep. I can’t think after doing so much in a day let alone form coherent written thoughts. For years I overworked my mind, my emotions and my body until finally my body decided to fight back, or more like quit. I spent months unable to move without  fatigue plaguing my body and making me quit the things I loved the most. I spent months away from work because I could not function to capacity. I had to take time to heal, recoup, regenerate, and it all circled back to that dreaded word, Time.

I am learning to make the most out of my days, but not because I am accomplishing everything on my to do list on a daily basis. I have decided to create time by choosing what is most important to my mind, body and soul each day. Now, I’m pretty much back to my normal energy levels, tanks are refueled, batteries are fully charged. Some days, writing takes a back seat to my daughter and husband, and I realized that it is OK to not do everything. I’m only human and I choose to do what makes me happiest daily. Some days I choose writing over my family, work over writing, reading over work, etc., etc., but as long as I’m fulfilled, time does not seem as important. Doing what truly makes me happy, even if it changes daily, makes me feel like I’m adding time in the long run, I’m adding time to my life.

Life is too short to worry about time, time is not only measured by hours in a day. Time is measured by how you spent that day.

Life=time, time=Life.

Let’s add time to our life by having dessert before dinner.

To my munchkin on her 8th birthday:

Daughter of mine, if someone would have told me that I would have a child so like me and yet still so different,  I would not believe it. I never thought I would have a daughter like you, one who closely resembles me in many ways. Every day as I watch you when you are not looking, I’m finding the small quirks that are a part of who I am, in all the little things you do.  I find bits and pieces of my mom; your grandmother and I find parts of your daddy, but what amazes me the most are the small pieces of me.  Your expressions, the way your eyes shine, the need to move or sing when a song comes on, the way your mind works 100mph and sometimes you cannot connect it to what you are trying to say. The excitement you feel for the most miniscule things, all quirks you inherited from your mother. Finding the joy in the silliest of things that even make me look twice with surprise, like finding shapes in the clouds; I still do that. I’m wondering if you are learning from watching me or just something that is already inside of you since the moment you became a part of me.

You amaze me every day, even with your non-stop chatter that can drive me up the wall; I still love to hear your voice.  You,  using your grandpa’s phone to call me after school just to say Hi and see what you can get out of doing for the day, brings a smile to face even on my worst days. Walking thru the door and having you race to hug me; I hope that never changes, the love you have for your momma. I love our game we play ” I love you, no, I love you more, ok, you love me more”, I always let you say you love me more, but how can it be true when I would give you my very heart from my chest if you needed. I let you say you love me more, hoping that you never forget as the years pass by.

Today, another year has passed and the changes I have seen in you are astonishing. You are learning responsibilities, even keeping your dad and me on track with our schedule, you are generous and most of all a cheerful, caring young lady. I could go on and on about the goodness I see in you, but anyone who knows you, already knows how wonderful you are.  You deserve praise my beautiful baby girl. You are growing up, 8 years old today; I’m excited and happy but sad to see you growing up so fast.

Where has the time gone? The time when I would hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep by singing “Amazing Grace”, I can still sing to you but I can’t seem to get close enough to you, I can no longer carry you, my big girl.  I love that you want your mommy to tuck you in every night and sometimes still sing you that song. I love to see your eyes filled with joy and love just by being with your momma. I watch you sleep sometimes reflecting on the years that have passed by so quickly. I love to watch you smile in your sleep. You are such a happy girl; we must be doing something right, that even in your sleep you smile.

I kiss your cheek each night before I go to sleep, and you always smile and burrow further into your blankets as if you were waiting for that last kiss of the night from mommy. You are loved and I’m determined to show you every day in all our interactions. Showing you how to bake, cook, by playing games, and just being present for you, helping you learn as I also learn from you. I hope you continue on this path you are on, filled with joy,  loving life and loving your mommy unconditionally to the moon and back. For that’s how much I love you, to the moon and back and around again a few more times. My heart is filled with infinite love for you, never forget it my munchkin.

Happy Birthday, my Natalia.

Love,

Mommy

Does our music choice reveal our true inner self? 

Do we live fully for the happy moments and die a little with each heartbreak? 

As individuals we walk this earth alone, we all see the world differently, even though your bestest of friends will understand your meaning 99.9% of the time.. there is a still a part that is alone, private just for you..In those quiet moments of solitude, well, if you are lucky these moments are quiet, giving  you the time to reflect. Reflecting on the good,the bad and the “the way it goes” events of our lives and the world around us..

 I was introduced to yet another side of music yesterday and I have immersed myself in this music for the past 24 hours to gain a better understanding of the artist Gillian Welch and if I’m honest with myself to better understand the person who led me on this path. All the songs I have heard have such a soulful sound, so much sorrow reflected in the strumming of the guitars and the hypnotic voice of Gillian Welch, a few times I found myself in a thoughtful trance. Even with the more upbeat songs I can hear an underlying sorrow,  making me reflect on the other side of the person who introduced me to this music.

I  feel that after so many years of talking to this person I never really knew them at all.  The inner self, as they said, if it is anything like the music   I have been drowning in these past 24 hours,  is that of a very deep soulful individual who I thought I knew but really only knew a minuscule part of. I have only known the piece  they would share or maybe the only part I would allow to be shared with me..But the side that was revealed yesterday has made me think; this is the closest I will probably come to seeing the inner workings of my friend..As a music lover myself I find I gravitate towards the music of individuals that I can relate to, mostly the lyrical story baring their heart open for the world to open their ears and truly hear the pain inside..some individuals listen to melodies and going by this musical choice both the melody and lyrics are full of pain.. is the person who shared this with me in pain or maybe once was in such pain that it has scarred a part of them? Maybe I think too much.. But I find myself wondering, do we die a little with the heartbreaks in life? 

We all have 2 sides, some many more, the one they share with the world and the other only shared in private moments or unintentionally…does our music choice reveal our true inner workings? Maybe to better understand others, we should Listen to their song choices, their musical interest and when someone speaks, listen fully, not superficially barely scratching the surface of what is being said, but find a way to dive deeper and maybe realize we all have a side we rarely share and that it may be one full of sorrow hidden behind the facade shown to the world… Maybe just maybe one can learn more from the music choices of an individual than by  the words they speak..

Silly memories

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Silly memories (J.Vel, 1/26/15)

How can one feel so hollow inside and be filled with so much love, sadness and memories
As I sit here in the aftermath of your death, so many thoughts cross my mind
I feel I have no right to mourn you, at least, not as deeply as the rest of my family
I wasn’t there, I didn’t see the light slowly seep from your being on the daily
I wasn’t there physically but each call and each mention of you being ill, I was with you mentally, spiritually
I would pray, maybe selfishly, because I prayed you would not leave my mother’s side
I prayed because I knew my mom would be in so much pain when you left
I prayed that you would be here longer until my mom was ready to let go
And you stayed with us, even though I could see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, as she saw how the years had taken its toll on your body
Your frail body, that I saw yesterday, in your peaceful slumber from which you would no longer awaken,
I came to see you, but again mostly for my mom, and partly to see with my own eyes that your were gone
I needed to be there for my mom, to be her rock
I think what makes me feel so hollow, is that I never forgave you
Perhaps you never knew why I was never there
Perhaps you did,
Perhaps you felt my prayers each time you were ill
Perhaps, it is beyond time I forgave you for all the pain and heartache you caused my mom
Perhaps, you can forgive me for not letting you know I loved you, despite the heartaches
I wasn’t there, these past few years, I realized yesterday just how many years that was
Looking at pictures and finding a scarce supply of us in pictures together,
And I can’t seem to find a picture of you and my munchkin
No I wasn’t there, but I want to thank you
Those scarce photos, those few memories we shared
I will treasure and hold onto dearly
Thanks to you, I look at an elephants and think of you
Thanks to you, I remember the exact moment I began watching “novelas”
So many “silly” memories, that don’t feel like nearly enough
Most of all thank you for making my munchkin smile, for giving her a “silly” memory
A memory that she shared with me last night,
one that opened the tightly closed door of my happy memories of you
Is it in death that we finally see the truth?
You loved me, I’m sure you did, in your own way
And you showed me in how you were with my daughter, in those scarce moments,
And in the “silly” memories we made

J.Vel
Rest in peace my dear grandma(abuela)

Family, love and body art..

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I wanted to share with all of you a little tidbit of my life. This past Saturday I took my mom for her first ever tattoo. Not only was it her birthday but this experience was shared with her sister and her niece ( my auntie and cousin); a special time for us all.
My mom had been wanting a breast cancer ribbon tattoo ever since she has been in remission. She said “to look at it and feel good about me, to feel empowered, to feel hope and just smile and know I have won the battle so far.” I wanted her first experience to be great and have her be surrounded by her loved ones. My mom and I drove to a few tattoo shops in town and I had her look at each place until she found the one that felt just right. She explained what she wanted to the artist and she chose the design. We all decided to get the same tattoo; to show our support, hope for a cure and most of all our love for her.
My mom has been in remission for over 10 years now , she is still a nervous wreck when anyone mentions cancer. Her fear is that it will come back and she will no longer want treatment. Chemotherapy took its toll on her body and she is deathly afraid of having to go through that again. She trembles at the thought of having those chemicals kill her body from the inside once more. I don’t blame her one bit, I saw what it did to her every Friday afternoon during her sessions. I try not to think about those days but when I do, I realize how strong my mom is. I mean I knew she was strong but remembering all that she went through, her struggles, her fight, she is beyond strong. She fought for herself but mostly for her kids. She has always been our rock.
She is my hero, always has been. Everyday I hope to be more like her and now that I’m a wife and mother myself I hope that I’m half as great as she is. I love the fact that my daughter takes after her and she enjoys every moment she spends with her grandma.
So this past Saturday was more than just getting body art, more than breast cancer ribbons, it was about family and love. An experience I won’t soon forget, seeing the happiness in my mother’s eyes made the pain of my foot tattoo worth it. Watching her smile and look at her body art and be proud, was just…. priceless. She is a fighter, she is my hero, and I’m proud to call her mine.

—J.Vel

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“To thine own self be true”

Shakespeare!

Who doesn’t love a little Shakespeare now and then? I was having a somewhat heated discussion with a good friend of mine about tattoos ( I am for them and he is against) and started thinking about this quote.

Be true to who you are. Be respectful, kind, loving, overall a good human being but above all else be true to you. Without that you have nothing; it has taken me many years to realize this.

If you can’t be yourself, then who are you?

I thought I knew who I was, but I lost my way quite a few years back. I have again found my way; the path that I choose to continue walking upon. Sometimes, it may be a lonely and harsh road but as long as you persevere and be yourself, nothing can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.
To quote Robert Frost, choose the road less traveled by and it will make all the difference whether it be good or bad. Only you know the battle inside that each day rages on. The world is filled with so many people and opinions that you can lose yourself. Our inner voice can be overpowered by the roar of the world, don’t let that happen, be you. It’s the only super human power we have, let’s use it!

J.Vel

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