Silly memories

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Silly memories (J.Vel, 1/26/15)

How can one feel so hollow inside and be filled with so much love, sadness and memories
As I sit here in the aftermath of your death, so many thoughts cross my mind
I feel I have no right to mourn you, at least, not as deeply as the rest of my family
I wasn’t there, I didn’t see the light slowly seep from your being on the daily
I wasn’t there physically but each call and each mention of you being ill, I was with you mentally, spiritually
I would pray, maybe selfishly, because I prayed you would not leave my mother’s side
I prayed because I knew my mom would be in so much pain when you left
I prayed that you would be here longer until my mom was ready to let go
And you stayed with us, even though I could see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, as she saw how the years had taken its toll on your body
Your frail body, that I saw yesterday, in your peaceful slumber from which you would no longer awaken,
I came to see you, but again mostly for my mom, and partly to see with my own eyes that your were gone
I needed to be there for my mom, to be her rock
I think what makes me feel so hollow, is that I never forgave you
Perhaps you never knew why I was never there
Perhaps you did,
Perhaps you felt my prayers each time you were ill
Perhaps, it is beyond time I forgave you for all the pain and heartache you caused my mom
Perhaps, you can forgive me for not letting you know I loved you, despite the heartaches
I wasn’t there, these past few years, I realized yesterday just how many years that was
Looking at pictures and finding a scarce supply of us in pictures together,
And I can’t seem to find a picture of you and my munchkin
No I wasn’t there, but I want to thank you
Those scarce photos, those few memories we shared
I will treasure and hold onto dearly
Thanks to you, I look at an elephants and think of you
Thanks to you, I remember the exact moment I began watching “novelas”
So many “silly” memories, that don’t feel like nearly enough
Most of all thank you for making my munchkin smile, for giving her a “silly” memory
A memory that she shared with me last night,
one that opened the tightly closed door of my happy memories of you
Is it in death that we finally see the truth?
You loved me, I’m sure you did, in your own way
And you showed me in how you were with my daughter, in those scarce moments,
And in the “silly” memories we made

J.Vel
Rest in peace my dear grandma(abuela)

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